Slow-Moving Solipsist Loses His Head
by Elroy Willis -- January 22, 1999
BOSTON (EAP) -- A Boston man was beheaded by a train yesterday after sitting on local railroad tracks while being cheered on by a group of fellow solipsists as they saw the approaching train coming down the tracks.
25-year-old Theodore Seeber was pronounced dead on the scene after being decapitated by the locomotive as he tried to back his way off of the tracks while crawling on his hands and knees.
The group of observers did nothing to discourage Seeber's attempt to prove reality is just a dream until it was too late, and claim they can't even prove he existed in the first place.
"We thought we might just be dreaming or that the oncoming train wasn't really there, so we watched as Ted sat on the tracks to see what would happen," said Herman Dimwhite, fellow solipsist and long-time friend of Seeber.
"We got pretty excited when we saw the train approaching, even though we couldn't tell if it was real," Dimwhite said. "We started cheering for Ted to stay put, since we wanted to find out if the train was real."
As the train got closer and closer, Seeber apparently decided that it was indeed real, and proceeded to back his way off of the tracks while periodically stopping to mumble into his folded hands.
"We couldn't hear what Ted was saying, but we suspect he was praying to God," said Lisa Lackwit, another friend of Seeber. "When we saw him moving off the tracks, we yelled out for him to stand up and jump, but he stayed down on his knees."
"I don't think he heard us because the train was blowing its horn at that point, and was probably drowning out our voices," Lackwit said. "Or maybe we don't exist at all, and that's why he couldn't hear us."
Seeber almost made it off the tracks, but his head was struck by one of the train's foot-rails and torn from his body.
"It's too bad our friend is dead, but we don't even know if he existed to begin with. We're pretty sure that the train existed though," said Dick Dufus, 23-year-old best friend of Seeber.
"Ted had some incredible ideas, including the one about things not being real, and he often challenged me to prove that he was real and actually existed outside of my mind."
"I guess he found out trains are real though, even if he had to learn it the hard way."