Pope Sweat For Sale
by Elroy Willis -- April 9, 1999
VATICAN CITY (EAP) -- Pope John Paul II has recently made his sweat available for sale to the public in an attempt to raise money to pay for his new private million-dollar sauna.
The Papal sweat is collected with special Holy towels while the Pope sits in his new sauna drinking Holy water to keep himself hydrated. After emerging from the sauna, the sweat is wrung from the towels and bottled for sale.
An ounce of Papal sweat is currently priced at $100, and smaller 1/2 ounce bottles are available for $60.
"I bought a bottle last week, and rubbed the Pope's sweat all over my body. It was a wonderful experience," said Edward Croteau, 81, who reports to have seen God himself during what he described as "A religious and orgasmic experience."
Others who've purchased the Holy sweat say they sprinkle a few drops into various drinks and onto food.
"I use it in place of salt," said 51-year-old Howard Hersemyer, of Atlanta, GA. "The sweat is very salty tasting, and I imagine it's better for me than regular salt, since it's blessed by the Pope himself and was excreted through his Holy pores."
Aides to the Pope say that he's spending more and more time in his new sauna to produce as much sweat as he can to fulfill the increasing demand, and expressed concern that he may be endangering his health.
"God will protect me," said the Pope during a recent interview. "After all, it was God who gave me the idea in the first place."