Religion In The News

Lost Bible Causes Sticky Situation in Seattle

by Elroy Willis -- August 9, 2000

SEATTLE (EAP) -- A lost Bible ended up causing a rather sticky situation for a Seattle man last weekend.

John P. Boatwright, 25, God-Fearing man that he is, was terrified after losing his Bible, and looked everywhere for it, including up his own rectum, where his head became stuck and he realized he needed to seek help from 911. (See picture at right).

Boatwright managed to dial 911 on his phone by feeling the buttons on the phone, and although he couldn't speak, the 911 operator said that she felt God was "calling her" to send out a rescue team to help the man who she could tell was in some kind of real trouble or distress.

"Last thing I remember, I was sitting on the couch reading my Bible. That's the last place I remember having it. I was naked with just a bathrobe on at the time like I usually am when I'm thinking or reading about Jesus in his white tunic, and I thought maybe I fell asleep and sat on it by accident," Boatwright said.

The rescue team took a quick photo to document the incident before pulling Boatwright's head out of his anal cavity.

"It was pretty dark and smelly in there, but I'm pretty sure I saw some images of Jesus in there somewhere, especially when I was gasping for breath and saw a bunch of stars. Jesus said that he was the bright morning star, and I now know what he was talking about," Boatwright said.

"I could tell something was wrong on the other end of the line," said Jennifer Thomas, 911 operator who answered the call. "I felt that the person on the other end of the line was in deep trouble, and God told me to send out a rescue team," she said.

Boatwright claims that he prayed to Jesus while his head was stuck up his rear end, and that God sent a telepathic message to Ms. Thomas telling her to take quick action.

"Ya, God knew what he was doing all along," Boatwright told reporters.

When asked if he felt the least bit stupid or silly, he simply repeated the words "ha ha ha..." over and over, and refused to answer any more questions.


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