Religion In The News

Vatican Auctions Saint Peter Relic
to Pay For Priestly Pedophilia

by Elroy Willis

VATICAN CITY (EAP) -- Times are tough for the Vatican these days, with case after case of sexual abuse committed by Priests and trusted members of the Church coming into the limelight. The Roman Catholic Church seems to be a hotbed of pedophilia and pushed-under-the-rug promiscuity, which seems strange since the Priests are supposed to be "Men of God" and "Holier than thou."

If you can't trust the Priests, who can you trust?

In a desperate attempt to salvage its reputation and at the same time earn some money to pay for all of the various legal fees and out-of-court settlements of late, Pope John Paul II decided to put up for sale one of the Vatican's lesser-known yet most highly-valued items in the Church's treasury of art.

"Most people don't know about the bronze sculpture of Saint Peter, but we here at the Vatican like to think of it as a reminder of our Holy Church's past and how special Peter is to us," the Pope said.

"People use 'Peter' to refer to a cock and make jokes about the cock crowing when Peter forsakes Jesus, so we think it's time to sell the statue of Peter and use the money to pay for the transgressions that our sexually frustrated priests have committed with their cocks."

"Some people also claim that the reference to our Church being built on the 'Rock of Peter' is a reference to Peter's rock-hard erection and the love that Jesus had for it, but that's simply not true," the Pope said.

"We don't condone Priests having sex with each other or with altar boys," the Pope said in a weak yet firm tone of voice.

"We should probably let our Priests get married and have kids of their own and maybe the whole sexual abuse problem would go away," John Paul II told reporters. "If we did that though, the Nuns would want to get married as well, so we don't know if it's such a good idea."

Many of the Priests and Bishops are fond of the statue and admit to going into the vault to stare at it for great lengths of time while thinking about Jesus and how He liked little children but never wanted to get married and have kids of his own.

"We understand the weaknesses of our fellow brothers in Christ," they said.

Bidding for the bronze statue of Saint Peter starts at 3 million US dollars which Vatican officials claim is "a bargain."

"We've seen some interest by several groups of Southern Baptists who want to discredit Catholicism, and even though we don't like the idea of selling it to heretics, we still need the money."

Also up for auction are some of the supposed bones of Saint Peter himself.

"These two bones should bring in a cool million," Vatican financial officials said. "We guarantee that nobody can prove that these aren't actually the bones of Saint Peter," they said.

"We have some other bones and teeth and hair of Saint Peter in our vaults which we might sell later if we need the money, and we also have plenty of slivers of wood from the actual cross that Jesus was crucified on which should bring in some good money if we need to sell them."

Last but not least, the Vatican claims to have a secret vial containing the actual blood of Jesus, which they claim is worth at least fifty million dollars.

"Most people haven't heard about the vial until now, and we won't sell it unless we absolutely have to," they said.


All (EAP) news stories are property of Elroy Willis and may not be reproduced without written permission. Contact me at: