Battle of the Virgins
by Elroy Willis -- June 14, 2005
BAGHDAD (EAP) -- A new Islamic sect, which claims to be on a mission of peace, is offering 144 virgins in the afterlife to all men who join up and die of old age or natural causes. This goes against the promise of 72 virgins in heaven for a successful suicide bombing being offered by some of the most popular sects of Islam.
"We tell our members if they feel like throwing things, throw flowers not rocks, and to wear peace symbols and happy faces, not bombs," says Mohammed Abdula, leader of the new sect, who patterns his message after the anti-Vietnam-war Jesus freak movements which took place in the United States during the 1960s and early 1970s.
Members of the new sect are known for liking to get high on the love of Allah as well as liking to get high on wine and beer and hashish and marijuana.
"Our group wants peace and love and happiness, not war," he said. "We don't care if the other Islamic sects have prohibitions about drinking alcohol or smoking hashish and marijuana. We think those things were given to people by Allah to lead to more peaceful societies," he said.
Opposing sects claim the new sect is anti-Islam and under the control of Satan.
"They're cowards and drunkards and pot heads, afraid of dying like real men," says Akem Kahala, 28, leader of an opposing Islamic sect which currently promises 72 virgins in the afterlife to any of its members who successfully kill at least five Jews or Americans in a suicide bombing.
"How dare they double the number of virgins and also promise a peaceful and natural death at the same time. It goes against all Jihadic principles," Kahala said.
"If they insist on promising 144 virgins in the afterlife, they should counter that with having to put up with some kind of horrible pain or misery in their mortal lives. It's just not fair."
"This new sect is obviously a cult of slackers, driven by people who believe they can have their cake and eat it too, with no bad consequences or sacrifices in their earthly lives. Their use of alcohol is a clear sign that they aren't true followers of Islam."
Hundreds of Iraqi women who are sick and tired of seeing their sons and brothers and husbands killed in wars and useless suicide bombings have embraced the new sect. They offer to grow and give flowers to the men in their cities in an offering of love and peace to all the citizens and foreign occupiers of Iraq.
"I don't normally side with the Iraqi suicide-bombers, but this new `get high and forget war' peace-loving cult is offering to get our troops stoned so they'll lose the desire to fight, and that's just not right," said one American soldier who was tempted to get high by a local Iraqi woman who handed him a fresh marijuana flower, a peace pipe, and a big smile.
"Let's make love, not war," she said.
"She was trying to seduce me and make me a peace-lover, so I had no choice but to kill her," he said.
"This is long overdue," said one Iraqi mother who lost two of her sons during the last year in separate suicide bombings. "Maybe my youngest son will join up with the new sect and be a peace-lover instead of a war-lover, and we can both die in peace and of old age," she said.
"If smoking a little pot or drinking some wine will mellow him out and cause him to give up the useless war against the Israelis and the Western World, then I'm all for it."
A spokesperson for Amnesty International said that the new Islamic sect is a good sign for the future of Iraq and other Arab countries who are currently hell-bent on a continuous war with the Israelis and Western Zionists.
"Why can't we all share some good herbs and food and wine and quit fighting?" asked another Iraqi woman whose husband killed eight Israelis and himself in a recent suicide bombing.
"I guess he's up there in heaven, having sex with 72 virgins right now, while I'm stuck here on Earth, trying to raise my son and two daughters with no father to support us," she said.
"Even the European invaders who took over North America eventually sat down and smoked peace pipes full of tobacco and marijuana with the Native Americans, so why can't we do the same thing with the Zionist invaders who want to take over our land and natural resources?"